I want to ...

"I want to..."

At this morning’s office devotions, we read from Philippians 3:7-11

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ … I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death…

Unlike Paul who had a prodigious background which he then considered as rubbish, I don’t have a long CV nor many alphabets behind my name. But reading his impassioned purpose statement arouses something in me and makes me wonder about my own “I want to.. ” statements.

What do I want? I think at different life stages, I have completed the sentence differently.

I want to pass my exams.
I want to get a scholarship.
I want to get into this course.
I want to fall in love with the right person.
I want to get married.
I want to buy a flat.
I want to have kids.
I want to have a fulfilling career.
I want to have a good marriage.

The list goes on, my wants changing with each phase in life.

I want to know Christ.
I want to know the power of Christ’s resurrection.
I want to know the fellowship of sharing in Christ’s suffering.

This sounds rather strange and unfamiliar. Not something I will typically say. Not something I will typically pray.

O Lord, sometimes I want so many things in life – I want because I think these things will give meaning to my life. Then I am confronted with Paul who had had so many good things whom he labelled as rubbish compared to knowing You. I guess he really knew You – in such a way that he will not exchange anything else for knowing You. O Lord that I may know You in such a way that all my other want-lists will fade away.

Grace

going home soon

Going back to Singapore in 3 days’ time. Amongst other work-related meetings is to meet up with Uncle George, our pastor. As we have crossed the 2 year mark of our time in Cambodia, we will be discussing about the next step after the 3-year term ends in March 2007.

What’s next? Honestly I am not sure. Part of us want to stay – things are in the beginning stages, and stability is good – developing our local colleagues in their spiritual journey and in their social work and counseling skills takes time. We are coming along somewhat in our Khmer language and humanly speaking it is a waste to leave.

Yet there is a side of us that long for home too. Long for the familiarity of Singapore – where family and friends are; where we know how things work and they work (e.g. electricity, police and justice system, etc.) Elijah misses the stimulating conversations he could have with colleagues about counseling and work and ministry stuff. I miss reading the newspapers and going to the library to just browse and to walk around the shopping malls just to chill out. And who doesn’t miss laksa and char kway teow?

Written before dinner time, 9 April 2006.

Grace